Black clouds and silver linings

This week has been a tale of two halves. Some bits really bad and some bits really good. But me being me, I dwell on the negatives. The crap days at work, the collapsed cake, the worry I’ve done something wrong. This week its felt like the world has been against me. And that is what I focus on. And it is that which keeps me locked up in my prison cell…the world is too stressful, too upsetting, too difficult, so I’m going to stick with anorexia. It helps me cope with the depressing ‘real’ world and I need it. That is how I have felt a lot this week.

And that could be it. The end of my blog post for the week. In summary, a bad week. Full stop. Over. Finito. But I can’t leave it at that. If I scratch the negative surface I can find positives to my week as well. Take Thursday for example. I got stranded on my way to work because of severe flooding. So I asked two men, one in a 4 by 4 to take me across the water to work, and one in a lorry to take me back across the water on my way home. Now, for someone who five and a half years ago was a nervous wreck, having extreme panic attacks several times a day, too scared to step out of hospital grounds (I couldn’t even make it past my front door on Christmas day), this is major progress! It is a million miles away from where I used to be; with social phobia and too scared to talk to anyone. And here I am, getting in cars with random men! Probably not the safest or most sensible option but still, it is something I could never have imagined doing before. I did think to myself however that if it had been  a film, the man in the lorry (who was very good looking by the way) would have swept me off my feet and we would have fallen in love, got married and lived happily ever after. But I don’t think things like that happen in real life, but still, I was able to hold a conversation with him and I normally have great difficulty talking to men.
Scratch the negative surface again and there was another, big positive on Friday. I went out for dinner at Prezzo with a good friend from work. And I had a really, REALLY nice time.
Me with my lovely friend at Prezzo
Never would I have thought that A) I’d be able to eat out at a restaurant and B) be able to enjoy it! This is now the fourth time I have eaten out since my last discharge and ok, four times in five years isn’t that much but those four times have all been within the past year and it is four times more than I ever thought possible. Seven months of tube feeding, where not a single crumb of food passed my lips, made food and eating an incredible fear. But here I am, five years later, eating normally out in a restaurant, enjoying the company and not even giving the food a second thought. For the first time, I ate without thinking. There were no thoughts of what shall I leave, what can I get away with. I just ate it. And believe me; eating a meal with a great friend is a million times better than not eating with just anorexia for company. And the fact that someone actually wanted to spend time with me, without the need for other people to be there as well, is something I never thought would happen. And it truly made me happy.

While I’m on a positive roll, I can also say that I enjoyed my athletics training again on Thursday night. I had a horrible day at work and whilst I just felt like coming home and moping, I knew that if I went I would feel better, and I did. Much better. I enjoyed the running and I enjoyed the people. The weekend was enjoyable as well. I went to Birmingham with my mum to watch the athletics Olympic trials. We stayed overnight and it was just nice to do something different. And that is something I would not normally say. I used to be routine obsessed and hated doing anything that meant a change in what I normally did. But the more I do different things, the more I enjoy it. To the point now where I don’t like my routine anymore. I was a slave to my routine like I am a slave to anorexia. I haven’t broken free from the routine but the shackles are loosening. And hopefully, at some point, the same will be said for anorexia.

Me bumping into one of my favourite athletes, Dwain Chambers, on the weekend
So actually, the sentence didn’t end with a full stop after my crap week. It is very difficult to find positives when you feel so low, but it is searching for these positives that can make the difference between perseverance in fighting or surrendering and giving up. I have felt like giving up this week. There has been a black cloud hanging over me and I have wanted to turn my back on real life and run to anorexia. But ultimately, where would that of got me? It wouldn’t of helped me achieve the things I want-friends, happiness, life. So I carried on. And I had glimmers of sunshine between my black clouds. And this is what I will hold on to.

1 thought on “Black clouds and silver linings”

  1. Hope lots more sunshine comes your way x positive thoughts bring positive things keep looking forward it's the only way your going don't look back xxxxx

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