Well what a rubbish week it’s been. It has mainly consisted of work and not much else, which I know isn’t really different to normal but I have just found this week a struggle. I was due to be out four evenings of the week with my athletics training and seeing friends. However, I only ended up going out twice (through nobody’s fault, that’s just how it turned out) and I was actually quite disappointed, which is rather unusual considering how I normally find going out an effort (even though I enjoy it once I’m out). But I do like seeing my close friends and I like the girls in my running group and training with them.
And work is a testing place at the moment and is bringing my already quite low mood even further into dark depths. But, in my dark week I had a ray of sunshine. The song by McFly ‘You’ve got a Friend’ feels very fitting to this week:
“When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.”
This is what happened to me on Friday night. I was down, all week nothing had felt right, and everything was dark. But I met up with my old university friend in London who I re-established contact with in the summer, and I had a truly lovely evening and she did ‘brighten up even my darkest night’.
We ate out at Jamie Oliver’s Italian in London Bridge, chatting and laughing, discussing everything from politics to ‘The Missing’ to Christmas parties. I really enjoyed the evening and I am so glad that after nearly nine years without contact, we have been able to start to rebuild our friendship and hopefully it will continue to grow and I won’t lose her from my life again. Anorexia took me away from her (and my other friends) the first time and it took a huge leap of faith from both of us, to pluck up the courage to establish contact again. And having her back as my friend, as well as having my two other best friends from work is what keeps me going, stopping me from running back into the deepest clutches of anorexia.
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| Me and my friend at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant on Friday night |
The loneliness that accompanies anorexia is destroying and you feel like life will never change. But it can change; you just have to make an effort…a big effort. And I do believe friendship is the key. When you have friends and you experience the happiness they bring, you realise your so called friend ‘anorexia’ was not a friend at all and is certainly no substitute for the real thing.
And I know this is similar to what I have written in previous blogs and for that I do apologise as it must seem very repetitive. But friendship and having friends is such a prominent thought in my life that I have to write it down to express how much it means to me. I don’t live an exciting life so I don’t have much to talk about. Friendships are new to me and they are exciting and providing me with moments of happiness and hope, so I feel I want to write about them when I experience them.
And I really do want to encourage anyone out there who is reading my blog who also suffers from anorexia, to force themselves (and yes, you really do have to force yourself) to go out and put themselves in situations where they can make friends. Because they could become your life saver. And it is difficult to do but it is worth it. So yes, I am sorry if this was a boring and repetitive blog, but to me at the moment, there is not a lot more important than having friends…they can help unlock the door to happiness. (And I also want to note that I had ravioli for the first time in my life when I went out with my friend, and it had the dreaded cheese in it…and it was very nice. Another baby step towards breaking free from my prison cell.)