It has been a mixed bag this week, good points and bad, happy and sad. My main reasons for the low points were actually all out of my control and things that would probably bring everyone down, me being no exception. Since the start of last week I have had a viral infection in my mouth for which I am on antibiotics. It has been incredibly painful and has resulted in me spending a lot of time just lying on my bed. Opening my mouth, talking and chewing has been excruciating and lying on my bed to try and escape this pain felt like the best option. And coupled to this, I fell over on Tuesday morning when I went out for my walk and badly hurt my knee and elbow. So, feeling pain pretty much everywhere in my body has been the downer of the week.
But amidst the pain clouds I have had glimmers of sunshine. The first tick in my positive box came from an outing with my two best friends (this was on Monday before the pain had kicked in and before my fall took place). We went out for dinner to Ask Italian and I had a really nice time…as I always do with those two. We may not see each other all the time, that is the way with adult life, people are busy…but we always do eventually find a time the three of us can get together and they always provide me with feelings of happiness, a feeling that seems to have been so rare for many years. So yes, that was a big tick in my positive box. And I also tried a meal I have never had before-beef tortellini, which was very nice…a step forward in my progress for life, and progress away from the chains of anorexia.
The other tick in my positive box came after what I thought was going to become a huge cross in the negative box, from which I felt like I wanted to give up with everything. It was my works Christmas party on Thursday night and having not felt well all day and wishing I could just stay at home in my pyjamas, I forced myself to get ready and go out. It was nice to see everybody and have a big get together but I couldn’t help but feel extreme pain (from my mouth), tiredness and isolation. As I sat at the table and watched most of my colleagues dancing and having fun, I couldn’t bring myself to join in-I couldn’t distract myself from the pain and this just added to my feelings of being alone. So I left early and went home.
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| Me with my two best friends at the Christmas party. |
But as I went home I felt very upset. Upset that I couldn’t join in and that everyone was having fun together and not me. I had felt isolated and I had now done a very good job of making that feeling come true. As I put my pyjamas on my mum asked me what was wrong. And following the conversation from my mum, I realised I had been the problem, not my painful mouth, not anyone else…me. If you want to get anywhere in life, have friends, enjoy things, do things, achieve things…you HAVE to make an effort. The easiest option for me was to run away, and that’s what I did. But you have to work hard for the things you want in life and running away didn’t make me happy. It just added to my self inflicted misery. I have spent years missing out on things, on parties, on social occasions…longing to be a part of it and here I was taking myself further away from it. Because of my own stupid mind and negativity.
So with that, my mum gave me a pep talk, dosed me up with paracetamol, told me put my dress back on, wipe away my tears and go back to the party. Which is exactly what I did. My mum drove me back and I made that all important effort-I joined in, I danced, I enjoyed myself…I was included, I was having fun and I was happy. What could have ended with me crying myself to sleep turned out to be a great evening spent with friends, being a part of something I really have wished for for years. I have missed out on a lot in life and I am glad to say this occasion was not going to be one of them. And I will not let my stupid mind and warped anorexia convince me otherwise…convince me that I am better off not going out, that no one likes me, that I am better off alone. Because that is what anorexia does…it will ruin EVERYTHING if given the chance. But joining in at the party with my friends and having a good time proved I can fight it…and by god it is worth fighting. I just needed a kick up the backside. That hour of dancing at the party with everyone else was real happiness. And now I’ve tasted it I want more of it. I am going to make every effort to be less negative…starting with this blog and the big ticks in my positive box! Life is worth fighting for. Tick!
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