I went to watch The Bodyguard in London last week with my mum and it was brilliant. It was also very thought-provoking…the song ‘One Moment in Time’, is very significant to me.
When I was younger I used to play the song on repeat, listening to it over and over again. I imagined myself when I was grown up, having my one moment in time. I would listen to the words and believe them, praying for myself to achieve my dreams, to become an athlete and have my moment in time.
But it didn’t turn out that way. Instead of growing up and achieving my dream, I became anorexic. And this stole from me my dream, my moment in time. But I didn’t care about that anymore, I knew my moment in time was never going to happen so anorexia replaced it. Anorexia was a good substitute for everything-I can’t be an athlete but it doesn’t matter, I will be anorexic instead. I haven’t got friends but it doesn’t matter, I have anorexia instead. Anorexia was the answer to everything and way to protect me from all the disappointments in life. And I have been entrenched in it for the best part of a decade.
However, as I have mentioned in my blog previously, the past few years, particularly the last year itself, I have started to want more from life, realising anorexia is not a substitute. Coupled with my shift in recent thinking, has been a growth of dreams, things I want to achieve…a desire again to have my one moment in time. Anorexia doesn’t occupy my entire being anymore and I do have hopes for my life. They are different from when I was younger but the essence of having my one moment in time is back.
I know as I hold onto anorexia that it is probably preventing me achieving my dreams, or at least hindering it, yet I still remain terrified to let go. I genuinely don’t know if I could cope not being ‘anorexic’. So as I listen to the words of ‘one moment in time’, I think about my new hopes and dreams, I think about recovery from anorexia and it all feels very uncertain. I know I want my dreams to come true, but I don’t know if I want to be without anorexia…and can I achieve the first one without the latter?
But in line with my New Years resolution and trying to be more positive…my recent way of thinking and having strong doubts about anorexia is a long way from where I used to be and hopefully, with more life experience and enjoyment, it will continue shifting. And I will pursue my dreams. And this time, I cannot…I will not…let anorexia steal them from me again. Deep down I know if I truly am to have my moment in time, I need to let go of anorexia. And I do believe now that it is not a question of ‘if’ I have my moment in time, but ‘when’. I will have my moment in time, and I will one day be free. The words of the song have never felt more relevant:
“Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I’m only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I’m only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown
I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains
Give me one moment in time
When I’m more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I’m racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free”
When I’m more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I’m racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free”