A few weeks ago I wrote about how I felt I didn’t really have any friends and whilst this is still the general feeling, I do have a few hidden gems-one of whom I spoke about with the spaghetti night two weeks ago and the other being my dinner date last week.
This is my friend from uni who I met in my first year way back in 2007. We were a group of girls thrown together in our halls of residence and surprisingly…we all got on. I had some of the best times of my life with these girls but it was also the time when anorexia was gripping its claws into me, growing stronger and stronger as I became weaker and weaker.
Being taken into hospital at the end of my first year removed me from my friends that I had liked so much. And with the years that followed of me basically being a revolving door-going in and out of hospital-the friendships I had made were pretty much lost. We did try to keep in touch but it is difficult when: a) we are geographically all over the place and b) they had all moved on with their lives whilst I had stayed gripped by anorexia and removed from the ‘real world’.
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| Me with my friend last week |
I mentioned in one of my blogs in the summer that I had re-kindled my friendship with one of these girls. Since then, we have gone on to meet up roughly once a month, rebuilding our old and making a strong new friendship. We met up for dinner last week-this was the first time I had been out since we last went out for dinner just before Christmas. I had a really, really good time-chatting and laughing, and as I said-I have very few friends but this is one I hold dear, one which anorexia tried to take away from me but from which I have fought back.
But, whilst having this good time and enjoying myself with my friend, I have struggled greatly this week with my size and weight. I have gained weight these past few weeks-a few kilos for no apparent reason. I haven’t changed anything in my diet or altered my exercise regime yet the scales show I am heavier. I tried to tell myself (as did my nurse and my mum) that the gaining of weight wasn’t ‘real weight’ but more to do with fluid and food retention (as I have had issues with my stomach and bowel). But I’m not convinced. I feel heavier and I feel I look bigger. And I hate it-I hate how I look and I hate how I feel. And I hate that now I just accept it. Years ago, if I had gained weight I would have cut down my food and started restricting and exercising. But I don’t do that anymore, I just carry on and get on with it. But my head beats myself up, making me wracked with guilt for not being ‘more anorexic’, for not doing ‘the anorexic thing’. Living with my head is like living in a war zone. It’s tiring, it’s exhausting…it’s hell.
Yet, as much as I despise my current weight and size (and believe me I do- I feel repulsed by it), it didn’t stop me having a good time with my friend last week. And ultimately, that is what I have to hold on to and which my mum is always reminding me of. I don’t want to be this size but I DO want to have friends, go out, build a life. Hopefully (and I really do hope) that the more I experience the things I DO want, the easier it will be to accept that it is worth being a bit bigger in order to have them. Anorexia is a lonely, miserable existence but it will do anything to convince you otherwise. I have lost all my friends before and now I have started to get one back, I will not let anorexia take me away again.