I’ve come to a big decision this week. A big decision. Ive felt a bit up and down-at times quite depressed, directionless and hopeless. But I have thought about the ‘what if’s’ to different scenarios, the pros and cons, and it has helped me come to a difinive decision.
I had been doubting whether I should do a Masters as planned in October, or even if at all. when I study, I commit to it 100%, allowing no time for anything else. And I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do that again…to lose yet another year of my life. ‘My Memories’ on Facebook showed my prom from 10 years ago-“My God, how was that 10 years ago?” I thought. Little did I know back then that my world was soon to be turned upside down, facing years of battling with life and death.
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| Me and my friends at our prom 10 years ago, who I have just got back in touch with |
I don’t want another 10 years to pass me by like that. It has really been getting to me recently that I am nearly 30. I feel so far behind everyone else my age in terms of life experience, mentality and independence. I really started to think that I cannot lose any more time. so is it worth doing a Masters? Can I really try and start a career at the age of 30, which is how old I will be if I finish in October 2018? Is it too late? And is it worth spending a year of my life with my head in a book?
But, as my mum said, if I don’t do a Masters I will be left with a void-and that’s not good for me…in fact, its dangerous and allows anorexia to grow. And I do want a decent job and a career. As much as I like the people at my current job, it has burnt me out. It is not a job for life and it is not a career. Without my parents, I could not support myself from my current job, it would not be sufficient to live on.
However, another more prominent and important issue arose as I was contemplating my Masters fate. What if I decide soon that I want to gain weight and try and start the recovery process? One thing I was certain of was that I could not do a Masters; which would be all encompassing, and try to gain weight; which too would be all encompassing and would need all of my commitment and energy. But can I let my life stay on hold, still in the prison of anorexia while I do a Masters and for the however long afterwards?
As my mum explained, recovery and weight gain is an idea I have been toying with for a while and not one I have felt able to commit to. And as it stands, I still don’t feel like I would be able to do it right now. But then there is still that issue of losing another year, of turning 30, of most of my life lost to anorexia.
As I at watching the athletics in Birmingham, thinking about my life over the past 10 years and what the next few years may hold and it suddenly just clicked in my head.
Right now I am not ready to approach weight restoration. But I can do a Masters. If I want the career I hope for, I need a Masters to do so and as much as I hate studying and the time it takes, the sooner I do it the sooner it will be over and a year spent doing a Masters is not a wasted year when I don’t feel ready for anything else. So in October 2017 I plan to start my Masters, to hopefully finish in October 2018, when I will be 30.
But the biggest decision of all? when I finish my Masters in October 2018, I am going to commit to weight gain. That’s it. ive made the decision. I AM going to do it. I don’t feel ready now but this gives me a year to get used to the idea and plan how I am going to approach it and cope with it. I like plans- I find it easier knowing what I am doing and when. And you may be thinking-how can you just say that in a years time you will do that? If you can say it for then, then why cant you do it now? And if a am perfectly honest with you, I cant truly explain it. but it was like a lightbulb moment. Like all of a sudden it just made sense in my head. I would not be able to restore weight and try and recover now. But planning it out in my head- I will be 30, I will hopefully have a Masters, I will want to start a career and approach adult life…it will be a new chapter and one in which I must tackle anorexia. I cant do it now but I MUST do it then. And October 2018 will come round quickly…this past year has flown by. And now I have made that plan I am 100% going to stick to it. no more wasting time, no more years passing me by.
And while I am doing my Masters, I am going to concentrate on other apsects of ‘recovery’ that aren’t as encompassing and daunting as weight gain, that I can tackle alongside studying, so that I am still making progress on the road to recovery. Changing my relationship (more truthfully, obsession) with exercise is first on my list and which I am sure is going to take a long time to change. To reach the point where I am at liberty to exercise if I feel like it, not because anorexia tells me I have to, for it to be ok to not have to walk for a set amount everyday…that is the goal and what I want to work on. I also want to tackle my rigidity with food and calories, to eat more spontaneously and because I fancy something, not because it is a number. I am due to see my old therapist from The Priory this week and these are the things I am going to tell her I want to work. So if I can work on these issues, and study for my Masters, it will be a productive, not a wasted year.
So the decision is made. I am going to weight restore. Not right now, but in the near future. It feels very scary…it is life changing. But it has got to be done. I am going to tackle my Masters and non weight related issues with anorexia as of now (well, I have to wait until October for my Masters) and then 100% in October 2018-I am going to do it. now writing it down I feel scared and I like I want to change my mind. But I cant. I have to do it. and I will. From here on in it could possibly be the biggest few years of my life.