10 years ago, I was embarking on my journey at Loughborough, entering as a very nervous fresher, worried about making friends…looking forward to losing weight.
Obviously, things didn’t turn out as expected and over the 10 years I have literally been to hell and back and dragged my parents through it with me. But here I am 10 years later about to embark on my new journey, starting a Masters at St Marys university. It took hours, days and weeks of agonising to finally commit to St Marys and not go back to Loughborough. It was a very hard decision and most definitely not the easy option. Everything is going to be new and unfamiliar – I will be completely out of my comfort zone and writing this the day before I start my first official lesson on Monday 11th, I am absolutely terrified. I will always feel a tie to Loughborough and coming to St Marys is a big risk and I guess we will have to wait and see if it was the right decision.
A big milestone did happen on Friday night though which needs mentioning and one which made me so happy. I met up with my old uni friend for dinner in London and then went back to hers to stay the night. And it was bloody brilliant. Being able to sleep round a friend’s house has been something I have wanted to be able to do for the best part of a decade.
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| Me sleeping at my friends |
To spend an evening with a friend, chatting and relaxing in front of the TV, to stay over for the night – it has always been a wish yet felt a million miles away. Firstly, I didn’t think I would have the friend(s) to do it with (but the return of this friend in my life last year has been wonderful) and secondly, I never thought I would be able to manage my anorexia to the point which would enable me to sleep round a friend’s house. This time two years ago, probably even one year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. The anxiety over food, exercise etc would have been too much – how I’d fit my eating plan around staying at someone’s house, how I’d fit my exercise routine in – I just wouldn’t have been able to cope and I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
But on Friday night I did it. Without much stress and with a lot of happiness. To most, sleeping round someone’s house is nothing out of the ordinary. To me, it is huge. And for me to be able to do it, to fulfil a decade long wish…something I have desperately wanted to do for so long but have been locked up by anorexia – it feels liberating, it feels incredible. A step towards unlocking my anorexic prison cell. And if I hadn’t chosen St Marys I wouldn’t have done it. I stayed over her flat because I had to register at St Marys on Saturday morning and she only lives 15 minutes away. So everything happens for a reason? Maybe. And whatever happens with my Masters and St Marys, I made a huge personal achievement on Friday night and that is just as important.