So, I’m into my third week at uni. I can’t say it hasn’t been stressful – it certainly has. Mainly from all the work and assignments etc – it’s definitely been full on! There have been tears, lots of “I want to give up” and “I can’t do it.” But I continue to persevere. It is hard, there’s no doubting that and it’s a whole new experience and change from what my life has been these past few years. But I know that the things you want in life don’t come easy and you have to work hard for them. Which I am certainly going to do.
However, it would seem no surprise that under this time of change and stress that I have found myself thinking more ‘anorexically’, with restricting food creeping back in. I am very aware of it and whilst it hasn’t come to much at the moment, I know it is a slippery slope. You restrict a little bit here or there but justify it in your mind as ok because it’s only small. But it was enough to reassure you that you still have anorexia and it was enough to give you that addictive buzz; the buzz of knowing you can defy food. I haven’t felt that buzz in a long time but last week I did and it made me want to have it more. And that is dangerous. Little bits of restriction build up and before I know it I will back to losing weight…which is only going to end me up in one of two places – hospital or a coffin.
So the past few days I’ve made a real effort to force myself to have everything I am meant to. And I have. It’s bloody hard…my ultimate escape of anorexia seems so appealing in times of real difficulty to take me away from the stresses of life. But the ultimate escape does not lead to ultimate happiness. I’m back on track and I must give every effort to keep it that way. I want to achieve things in life, not have my only ‘success’ be that of being an anorexic. Because that would be the ultimate failure.
And I am having little successes. I really like the people on my course…and I chat to them! Yes me…who spent over 3 years at uni not talking to anyone, I’m now having lots of contact and conversations with others and enjoying it. And hopefully over the year, friendships will develop. I’m also succeeding in reducing my walking. The plan now is to reduce it by 5 minutes, 5 times a week, which I did last week. And I recognised my ‘blip’ and I’ve acted on it to try and stop it. Anorexia may feel like the ultimate escape but in fact it is the ultimate life sentence. And I’m going to keep rolling the dice for my ultimate double to get out of jail. The ultimate success.