Say it Loud

“Say it loud, say it clear…It’s too late when we die.”

The words from a song by Mike and The Mechanics which came on the radio the day after my Grandad died nearly two weeks ago. And the words are very true. We can’t tell the people we love and care about we feel once we or they die. And I haven’t told the people in my life enough.

I have some wonderful memories of my Grandad from when I was a child – taking us to the park to feed the squirrels, listening to my sister and I endlessly singing as we repeatedly jumped off a wall into his arms, the parties on New Years Eve, the fun at Southend, playing board games for hours…and him sitting on Professor Plum from Cluedo and breaking the playing piece, always trying to give me a wet sloppy kiss on the cheek but me refusing…oh how I wish I hadn’t refused now.

Me with my grandparents and sister when we were younger

I look back with very fond memories. And I feel sad that life couldn’t stay that way, that we can’t freeze time. I also feel sad that for the last 10 years of his life I have spent the majority of that time either in hospital or being so preoccupied with anorexia that I never really took the time to see him much, that I never really took the time to tell him I loved him and that I thank him for helping make my childhood so happy and enjoyable. I’d like to think that he knows this, but it doesn’t stop me hating anorexia for ruining virtually all of my relationships with family and friends.
I can’t change the past but I can change the future. I am going to make every effort to not let anorexia seep in and further destroy relationships that I have started to rebuild. When I think about how I treated my mum and dad when in the deepest grips of anorexia, and virtually froze out all other family and friends – it’s devastating. And I hate myself now when I find I sometimes slip back into that old, horrible me…as much as I try not to…sometimes anorexia wins.
But I’m going to fight it stronger now. My family and friends, the ones that are still here and have stuck by me even though anorexia pushed them so far away – I am sorry and I am eternally thankful to you. It is their care and their love that keep me fighting anorexia. So please, tell the people that you love and care for how you feel – Say it loud. Say it clear…because they can go at any time…and it is certainly too late when we die.
My family and friends who mean the world to me. Thank you: 

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