“You are giving 2kgs an awful lot of power.”
My therapist said this to me this week in response to me saying that I wanted to lose 2kgs. I had explained how I’d be much more comfortable if I was 2kgs lighter, how, a few months ago when I was 2kgs lighter, everything in my life was so much better and that with gaining the 2kgs, my life has become far worse and anorexia has taken over again.
“I just need to lose 2kgs and everything will be better.”
She questioned why I was giving 2kgs such power. Why was I allowing 2kgs to absolutely rule and take over my life? Why was 2kgs the difference between building my life and happiness, or utter misery and reverting completely to anorexia?
It’s incredible the power of anorexia. If I heard it being said to someone else, that 2kgs would determine their happiness, I would say it was complete rubbish. But anorexia is so manipulative, it creates such intense feelings that those 2kgs literally feel like the difference between life and death. That is how I have been feeling for the last month. That losing 2kgs is absolutely THE most important thing in my whole entire life. But my therapist really helped put it in to perspective for me in questioning the power I was giving those 2kgs.
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| The difference between 2kgs |
And this really made me think. It was ridiculous. How did 2kgs have such a control over me? Why was I prepared to sacrifice everything I had fought for in recovery, just because I had gained 2kgs? How can I let 2 f***ing kgs rule my life? It had become a number I have fixated on – I had told myself I must NEVER go above that specific weight and now I was finding myself 2kgs above it. Those 2kgs have tipped the seesaw from me controlling anorexia, to anorexia controlling me. All for the sake of 2kgs. 2kgs that wouldn’t even be visible to anyone, it would just simply be my own personal knowledge that I was the number I wanted to be. As my therapist said – I have given 2kgs an awful lot of power; the power to control my life. And as hard as it is to fight against, I cannot let it continue.
So I am determined to fight against it. Yes, the numbers are very important to me (well, to anorexia really) but I cannot let them rule my life. I still have all the good things in my life that I had 2kgs ago. And it is down to me whether I focus on those and keep building the positives, or I focus on the miraculous 2kg weight loss that will make everything better. With anorexia, weight loss never does make you happy. It tries to tell you that it does, but it never does. And you try and try and try, losing more and more weight, but happiness never comes. In fact, it seems to slip further and further away. But I have tried to build real happiness into my life through friends, family, activities, jobs and projects. They have not disappeared because of gaining 2kgs. Anorexia was clouding my vision and I forgot how important they are to me. I may not like my weight or my size, but I must focus on the more important, positive aspects of my life that mean so much to me and that bring true happiness. I am not giving 2kgs the power to control my life.
Hi Rebecca, I work for the BBC. Would you be willing to have a chat about something I am working on? My email is ian.bendelow@firecrestfilms.com
Of course. I have just sent you an email.